The Nation's Health

Chelsea Tractors

"5 year old male hit by car, injuries unknown"

3:30pm. The school run. My money is on a careless driver not watching where they are going and a little kid has paid the price for it. We got about 100 yards from the location given and it clear that it was a school. There was queue of cars obviously stopped because of the incident who were blocking our path to the patient. I'd say at least 50% of said cars were Chelsea Tractors. For those unaware of the term here are some Urban Dictionary ones:

1) Chelsea Tractor
Any expensive 4x4 that is driven in an urban environment as a status symbol (typically for the school run) and will never be driven off-road.

2) Chelsea Tractor
An off-road car that never goes off-road

3) Chelsea tractor Noun, a large 4 wheel drive vehicle, driven in cities for ordinary, day to day purposes. eg, Land Rover, BMX X5, etc..

Typically, they are driven by mums for the school run.......because everyone needs a Land Rover Defender to drive half a mile to school to pick up their 1 child. Nothing winds me up more. It's bad enough that they have them, but they can't even drive them! Here we are, blue lights and sirens and they all panic! When faced with an ambulance there are some options available.

a) Pull over to the left allowing us to pass on the wrong side of the road.

b) Keep going and pull into one of the spaces or the bus stop.

c) Stop diagonally across the entire road preventing any traffic from moving in any direction.

Yes. You guessed it. c) was by far the most appealing option! Though some did try b) but the parking sensors clearly weren't up to scratch. Why have a car you can't drive?! Thanks to one particular owner of a BMW X5 we had to abandon the ambulance and walk with all of the kit we could carry. I glared at the owner and received:

"What do you fuckin' expect me to do?"

Nice, in front of her child too. That kid will have a mouth like a toilet by the age of 7! It'll probably have it's its own petrol guzzler too!

Eventually we got to our patient. Shock horror, he'd been hit by a 4 x 4. Luckily it was low speed and he had no injuries. The car had reversed and I quote:

"It's not my fault, the reversing alarm didn't go off, they shouldn't have been crossing behind me."

No, you are quite right. It's totally their fault. Crossing at the yellow zig-zags where cars are not allowed to stop, outside a school is just bad parenting. They should be punished for that. The Range Rover Overfinch comes with plausible deniability when it comes to bad driving. I forgot. As for the reversing sensors, right again. Mirrors and awareness of surrounding are so last year! I suppose being so high up in a car means short people should be more vigilant when crossing roads. This child certainly has no right to an apology. Stupid child. Stupid mother for crossing the road at a crossing. I'd call social services if I was you. It's verging on neglect isn't it?!

ARE YOU SERIOUS?!

You are blaming the child for your incompetence?! The child you just reversed into? I really had to bite my tongue! Am I alone in my hatred for these cars in urban areas? Why does everyone flock to them? Why are they so popular? And why are they all driven by women who can't drive? Can I just add, before I get mobbed by feminists for saying 'women can't drive', anyone who relies on parking sensors and reversing alarms / cameras to park a car CANNOT drive. There is absolutely no need to them in built up areas. Fine, if you live in the country and have to drive up steep mud tracks to get to school then fine, but these cars have never seen a mud, let alone a hill. What happened to walking? Most of these people live within a mile of the school! That's how catchment areas work! WALK! No wonder all your kids are fat. Bit harsh. I know. I semi-retract that last comment!

So, here is a car buying guide for anyone considering a 4 x 4 for the school run:

Will you be driving on terrain like this?

Will you be driving up hill like this?

If you answered 'NO' to either of those questions then you DON'T need one of these.....

Will you be driving down roads like this?

Will you be sat in traffic like this?

If you answered 'YES' to either question you don't need one of these......

What you need is a new pair of shoes at best! FACT!

Seriously, there is no need for them. It is just a status symbol. Nothing more, nothing less. They are bad for the environment, bad for the roads, bad for traffic, bad for people hit by them and badly driven. This child was very lucky. Most kids who are hit by them are not. If you have to drive match the car to your needs, not your wallet. Anyway, got to go, got to walk to the school.....