"38 year old male, choking"
Ooohhh, a choking! Haven't done a proper one for absolutely yonks! My slumber on standby in the car didn't last long! That piercing noise filled my cab, drowning out Elvis on the stereo and off I went! The anticipation of a) an actual choking and b) arriving on my own and having to deal with it was a tad overwhelming!
EMS Rule 10: EMS is extended periods of intense boredom, interrupted by occasional moments of sheer terror.
My god that is true! As I flew through the traffic, going through the choking algorithm in my head, I built myself a game plan. I knew exactly what I was going to do on arrival in a variety of different scenarios. i.e: Airway slightly occluded, airway completely occluded, Unconscious etc!
I pulled up with a screech, engine ticking and breaks burning! I grabbed my stuff and rushed to the front door. A guy opened the door, fag in hand, sun glasses on and a bottle of Corona in his hand. It's alright for some!
"Come in, we're just through here."
He seemed perfectly calm and not at all worried about the patient. In the garden was a group of adults all relaxing in the sun with a BBQ. I must have looked like I'd seen a ghost, desperately looking for the choking patient.
"Where is the patient?!" I exclaimed.
EMS Rule 26: Algorithms never survive the first thirty seconds of patient contact.
"I'm the patient" said a voice behind me.
I swung round and the only person standing there was the guy who let me into the house.
"You're the patient?! I was told someone was choking and turning blue."
He laughed. Yes, laughed. I didn't. I looked seriously miffed.
"Haha, it was funny really, I was eating a Hob Nob and started choking, It was like when food goes down the wrong way!"
L O L. So funny my side was literally splitting.
"So who phoned the ambulance?"
"I did" he said whilst chuckling.
"But you weren't choking anymore."
"Yeah but thought it best to get an ambulance driver to check me over."
Ambulance driver....ambulance frickin' driver. I could feel that vein on the side of my forehead starting to pulsate in rage! Luckily for him the ambulance crew walked in because I was probably about to say something I would regret! I gave my most sarcastic of Hob Nob related hand overs to the crew and stomped off.
"It was funny really....."
NO IT WASN'T. Douche bag.
EMS Rule 71: You can't cure stupid