"32GB iPad, fall from extreme height, multiple injuries"
It is with great sadness and a heavy heart, that I bring you news of the passing of my iPad. On the evening of 12th May at around 23:30 my iPad met a gruesome, tragic end. Despite being surrounded by highly skilled medics at the time, they were unable to save the iPad. The decision was made that due to full body trauma and multiple fractures that surgery was just too risky.
iPad was only 18 months old and still had many years of loyal service to give when she was cruelly taken away from me. I know accidents happen and if I was in any way responsible that would go some way to helping the healing process. But I wasn't. In a moment of madness 'The Student' picked up the iPad and then proceeded to drop it, from the iPad equivalent of 6 stories, onto a concrete floor. I have been assured that iPad's passing was quick and painless.
Me and iPad have shared many great moment together. We have enjoyed countless Netflix movies, written many a blog post and wasted many an hour just pissing around on the Internet. These are memories that will stay with me and ones I will look back on fondly.
I'm sure you will understand that whilst I need time to grieve, what I really need is new iPad. If you have a spare 32GB White iPad 2 with 3G capability just lying round and want to give it to me free of charge I will provide it a good home and solemnly swear to never let a student touch it. In return, I will say thank you and send reports and photos as and when you require.
There was going to be a full service funeral later this afternoon. Unfortunately, no one from the ambulance service was able to attend because the REAP level is so high and apparently the death of an iPad doesn't entitle anyone to compassionate leave. Also, HEMS were not willing to do a flyby. Therefor I have taken the tough decision to have a private ceremony with just family and close friends. Unfortunately my family prefer Samsung and don't see what the fuss is about and my friends are busy laughing at my iPads demise. To quote a close friend:
'Hahahahahahahaha. Your life is in tatters.'I'm sure you will understand my need for privacy at this troubling time. I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact I can no longer simply order Dominos from the comfort of my sofa via my Dominos app. There is indeed an app for that.
Thank you all for your understanding, well wishes, sympathy and suggestions of ways to torture and kill 'the student'. You are a sadistic lot but I love ya! Let me leave you with these (modified) words:
"It is a curious thing, the death of an iPad. We all know that an iPads time in the world is limited, and that eventually all iPads will end up underneath some landfill, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to an iPad we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things."
~Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid
NB: I'd like to add, 'the student' was excellent. He (almost) felt as bad as I did and was full of apologies and promises to replace. Accidents happen.