DISCLAIMER: I have nothing but respect for all Drs, Nurses, Techs and ECAs. This is just light hearted banter to show how clever Paramedics are.
AMBULANCE PERSONNEL
PARAMEDICS: Occasionally show your technician you value their input by allowing them to do all your obs for you and draw up your flushes.
PARAMEDICS: 'Its the thought that counts' only applies to Xmas presents. You are going to have to cannulate that dying patient.
PARAMEDICS: Save time cannulating by taping a piece of cotton wool to your patients ACF or back of hand. You're going to miss anyway right?
DREAM: Medic: 'excessive thirst, polyuria, excessive hunger, recent weight loss and dehydration, I think hes suffering from DKA' ECA: Shiny shiny ogg oog.
REALITY: Medic: this guys fucked! Who knows what's going on?' ECA: Shiny shiny ogg oog.
HEAVEN: Medic: 'Here, hold my bag' Tech: 'Yessth Sirrth' (most techs lisp)
REALITY: Medic: 'Here, hold my bag' Tech: 'Carry your own fucking bag.... Useless shit!'
TECHNICIANS: Occasionally show your paramedic you care about them by holding their hand when they make tough clinical decisions.
TECHNICIANS: Don't laugh at Paramedics. It's not funny!
TECHNICIANS: It is your job to aid the paramedic in administration of PR diazepam.
TECHNICIANS: If you see your male paramedic walking in to the toilet with a size 5 LMA, it's best to give him a minute and don't make eye contact.
ECAs: You may consider putting micropore on your knuckles to avoid those nasty grazes as you drag them along the floor when you walk to jobs.
ECAs: Let your paramedic know your still alive by grunting occasionally. You may try to use adult words but we know you struggle.
LOVE: Is when a paramedic lets his / her ECA use big words in front of patients. "Can I get you a chair masther!?"
LOVE: Is when a paramedic lets an ECA have some responsibility.... By letting him go alone in the lift with the diarrhoea patient.
LOVE: Is when your technician hands you a piece of gauze to cover up your cannulating disaster without smirking.
ATTENDANTS: To ensure good working relationships with your driver. Kindly put your skanky gloves in the bin.
QUIZ: If a HCA & ECA make a baby, does it look like a primate or reptile?
QUIZ: If there are only paramedics on scene at a cardiac arrest, who does the CPR? Family members right?
EMS STAFF: Save yourself the embarrassment of kneeling in urine by taping inco pads to your knees.
FRONTLINE STAFF: You are a personnel number, not a person! Everything is your fault and to punish you, you will be late off forever!
STAFF: If your morale is running low you could always... GET BACK TO FUCKING WORK YOU DOGS!
STAFF: Respect all fellow members of staff... Except the thick ones, the fat ones, the ugly ones, the tall ones and the baldies.
STAFF: Avoid that embarrassing moment during ECGs by not tweaking the patients nipples.
FEMALE STAFF: You might consider brushing your hair or applying make up before work to avoid looking like a man.
MALE STAFF: To avoid looking like Santa the other 364 days of the year. Try eating less kebabs & more fruit. Your underpants will thank you.
CSD: You may consider supporting us from time to time by answering our questions with out saying 'um... Er... It's up to you really!'
ORCON: 8.4 miles in 8 minutes? Are you thick?
RESOURCES: Remember that this is the AMBULANCE service, not the resourcing department service. You are here to support us!
AMBULANCES: You may consider not breaking down on a blue call. It disrupts the service we provide and makes you look stupid.
Other Professions
NURSES: You are perfect. Except you might try to laugh at my jokes when I hand over, they are funny, I've practiced them!
DOCTORS: If you would like the full handover on a blue call. Try to be there when the ambulance arrives, not stroll in five minutes later.
CARE HOMES: The title care home isn't meant to be ironic or sarcastic.
POLICE: Feel free to let me get my foot out of the door before badgering me for my call sign. Whiskey Delta 4-0 never gets old though!
FIREMAN: Hold this bag of fluids and don't ask questions. Good dog!
Patients and Relatives
PATIENTS: Promote your own health by drink driving less and wearing more seat belts. Your face makes your car windscreen look stupid.
IVD USERS: Avoid respiratory depression by using less heroin.
PATIENTS: Avoiding losing your appendages by not placing them in machinery! Hands go well in gloves, not so well in excavators!
SIMPLE MATHS: Finger + mincer = No finger.
PATIENTS: Save the inconvenience of facial reconstruction surgery by looking before you cross the road.
PATIENTS: To avoid hunger while waiting for an ambulance, order a pizza. By the time you've finished it, your ambulance should be arrive.
OAPs: Avoid fracturing your neck of femur by not falling over.
PATIENTS: If you called 999 & someone knocks on your door, its probably the ambulance. No need to ask 'whose there?' it makes me look stupid.
COPD PATIENTS: You might consider extinguishing that cigarette, it's a bit close to your nasal cannula and your beard is flammable.
PATIENTS: If you can't afford carpet and spill a lot of food and drinks, please have a nice front lawn I can wipe my feet on the way out.
PREGNANT LADIES: Try calling your maternity unit before calling an ambulance. It may stop an unnecessary journey to hospital.
PATIENTS: Choose well... 3 beers, bottle of jack, bottle vodka, 10 vodka/red bulls, 2 bottles of vino and a kebab isn't choosing well.
PATIENTS: Improve your venous structure by being born with a good venous structure.
PATIENTS: Improve your EMS experience by not having poor venous structure or grade 5 airways.
PATIENTS: It might help you to not mix laxatives and sleeping pills. Of course you are responsible for your own health, I'm just saying!
PATIENTS: Improve your EMS experience by not talking to staff like they're dog shit. We are not servants. We are health care professionals!
PATIENTS: You are not allergic to hospitals, spouses, siblings, men or women. However, You are allergic to windscreens, bullets and fire.
RELATIVES: Don't be upset if I ask you to carry my bag. Its just my Tech is carrying the patient and I dont know how to get the bag outside.
RELATIVES: Ignore any first aid advice you've ever been given and just throw a glass of water in your loved ones face. Works a treat.
RELATIVES: You are running out of time to book your elderly family members in to the local hospital so you can enjoy Xmas guilt free.
The General Public
ROAD USERS: If it's big, yellow, flashing and noisy, you may consider moving out of the way in stead of brandishing your middle finger.
SEX WORKERS: Avoid embarrassment by putting that 12" dildo that you keep on the side in a draw. It makes my technician feel inadequate.
PASSERBY: You might consider asking the patient if they require an ambulance, instead of phoning one for them and promptly fucking off!
DRINKERS: To avoid urinating on yourself when passed out. Take regular bathroom break between drinks and line your stomach with a kebab.
