"47 year old male, fainted"
To most people, a '47 year old male, fainted' would mean exactly that. A 47 year old male who had fainted. A faint, or what we call syncope or a transient loss of consciousness, can have a number of causes. They vary from prolonged standing and hot environments to sudden standing and anxiety. A faint can last from a few seconds to a few minutes. This guy hadn't fainted, that I was sure of before we had even started driving. Next to the address was 'O/S' which means outside. In the text about the faint it said 'lying on grass' and it was 11:30pm. It was also called by the infamous 'passer-by' who shockingly was no longer on scene. In my experience, 47 year old men don't faint at night on grass! The 'fall' onto grass due to excess alcohol!
Sure enough, sat on the wall with an FRU was our patient, heavily intoxicated. There had been no 'faint' just a stumble into a bush! He was drunk but still able to walk with a little assistance and able to answer the ll questions asked to him. He didn't know where he was so after checking him over we agreed to take him home as long as there was someone else there. He told us he lived with his parents and that they were in. The guy was quite rude and dismissive but I didn't think the hospital would appreciate his presence and I didn't want to be responsible for letting him try and find his own way home drunk. As much as we are NOT a taxi, this seemed the simplest option and would prevent a hospital visit and more ambulances called by the lovely, caring passers-by.
We headed off for his home address while I was doing the paperwork. Whilst I wrote and asked questions he was starring around the back of the ambulance and started chuckling.
"If you look at it, this is just like a mini-cab that I don't have to pay for isn't it?" *laughs*
I stopped writing, my head remained totally still and my eyes raised up slowly from my clipboard and fixated on his grinning face. In my most sarcastic of voices I replied:
"Yes, we are JUST like a mini-cab"
He laughed again...
"So is this all you do all night long?"
"Yes, pretty much" *biting tongue*
"Seems like a waste of money, is that what my tax goes on?" *laughs*
"Yes, it is a complete was of time, money and resources"
The irony of the conversation was, sadly, completely lost on him. I looked back down at my clipboard and asked for the phone number of his next of kin. He chucked his phone onto the bed and told me it was under 'mum'. I pressed the green 'phone' button to turn the screen on and it brought up his list of recently dialled numbers. At the top of the list... 999.
"So you phoned the ambulance?"
"Yeah"
"So you did know where you are?"
"Yeah"
At that moment, the back door swung open, we had arrived; he got up and staggered out.
"This isn't my road"
"Yes it is"
"No it isn't"
"Yes it is"
"No it's..."
The front door of the house we were parked outside opened. It was his dad.
"Oh... it is my house"
He staggered off down the garden path, into the front door and straight past his parents, who obviously wanted to know why there was an ambulance outside.
"Your son is drunk, he phoned an ambulance and lied so he could get a lift home, so here we are, bringing him home"
Pleasantries were exchanged, apologies were given and feeling cheated and disgruntled we left. I suppose we could have taken him to hospital, but to what end? Waste their time for a while and cost more money? We could have left him where he was but if we had and he had been hit by a car, who would have been blamed?! What can we do?! How can we get around this?! We didn't know he was the caller, we didn't know that he knew where he was, we didn't know he was playing us until it was too late. We can't charge him. We can't report him to anyone. Seriously, what can we do?! People joke about us being a big yellow taxi but we are! Clearly! Call 999 when you're drunk and you'll get a lift home. It makes me so angry but what can I do or say? Nothing.