The Nation's Health + sex

50 Shades

"27 year old male, abdo pain"

As far as shifts go, this one had been as dull as they come! You literally cannot please an ambulance crew. It is an impossibility! If we are busy, we moan about the work load and lack of breaks. If on the rare occasion it is quiet we moan about time going so slowly! That's just how it is! Anyway, today was slow. We were sat on standby watching the world rush by when eventually we got a call!

Hardly exciting! As a general rule, 27 year olds are not ill or needing an ambulance. 27 years are generally healthy, they may smoke, do drugs, drink and get colds but they are not ILL! Unless they have been shot, stabbed, hit by a car or fallen from a great height, realistically, 99% should be able to make their own way to hospital and will be none the worse for doing so. I was fully prepared to go through the motions of finding out about the pain, learning that no pain killers had been taken, offering pain killers and referring on to the GP rather than clog up A & E.

We pulled up outside the rather nice looking house and noticed someone at the upstairs window, who promptly disappeared. As we got out the vehicle a guy was standing in the doorway to the house. We trundled over to see him! He looked very awkward, almost embarrassed to see us.

"My friend is upstairs" he said pointing at the staircase.

Sheepishly, he followed behind us and pointed is towards the bedroom.

Sitting on the bed looking very distressed was our patient. Some people just have a look which makes you think they actually have something wrong with them and he had this look. He was holding his arm across his chest.

"What's the problem today?"

"........." he looked at his friend who was now in the doorway who gestured with his eyes to talk.

"We can't help you unless we know what has happened."

"I can't move my arm."

"So what happened?"

"I fell off the bed". His face went bright red.

"And how did you land?"

"With my hands out first."

I was about to ask how he managed to fall in such away but luckily everything suddenly clicked into place. One of the skills you pick up when dealing with patients on a day to day basis is to look around houses while talking to the patient. You can learn an awful lot about them, from dietary habits, drinking problems, medications, hobbies and in this case, sexuality and love life! It didn't take a genius to work out that if you take two embarrassed guys and cross it with the paraphernalia on the floor beside the bed, you had all the tell tell signs that this 'fall' had interrupted some serious fun loving! Maybe I wasn't supposed to see them hurriedly, yet badly hidden away, but the lube, toys, condoms and 'stuff' were easy to spot.

"It's OK, what goes on tour, stays on tour as it were, it happens to the best of us!"

He gave me a half smile! I looked at his shoulder and sure enough it was dislocated. We gave him some entonox and put it in a sling.

"Right, do you think you'd be able to walk down stairs to the ambulance?"

"........." he looked at his friend again. "Just tell them!" he said.

"Tell is what?!"

"...........there's something stuck in my.......,.."

AWKWARD!!!!! In my head there was a celebration going on! AT LAST! A foreign body! Whoop whoop! Don't judge me! Everyone always asks me if I have been to any with something stuck up their arse and I always begrudgingly say no! Now I have and I was pretty chuffed! My face however showed professional concern with no hint of a smile! Well.....kind of!

"What is stuck?"

He reached to the pillow and pulled out a candle. Well, half a candle! I imagine the candle snapped during the 'fall'! Maybe it was the force of the candle that caused the fall! Let's just say it was 'sturdy' candle! Or we could say it had plenty of body! Sod it, it was bloody massive and the thought of it made me wince an tad! Good effort boys!

"Maybe we'll get you a chair then?!"

He nodded! We chatted for a bit while the chair was being fetched and he started to see the funny side! He was just mortified! His friend (now known to be his fiance) didn't know where to look, equally as embarrassed! I was in my element! We got him to hospital swiftly, taking it smooth over the bumps and handed him over to the doctor. I requested to do the handover in private, out of earshot of the other patients who surprisingly CAN hear through a curtain!

We said our goodbyes and left! Needless to say, I was beaming and the second we got into the ambulance and closed the doors we cried with laughter! At least their love life is burning strong! Sorry, had to shove in a candle.........pun somewhere! ;-)

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