"Am I going to die?" she said softly.
How do you answer that? I'm a terrible liar at the best of times but in situations like this I can be read like a book. That said, as much as I am able to tell someone that their loved one has died, I couldn't bring myself to tell someone they are going to die. Maybe my eyes told the whole story but my words didn't. They simply didn't answer the question.
"Stay calm, we are going to get you out of here and off to hospital."
With that, I rested the blood stained oxygen mask back over her face knowing all too well this would be her last few minutes. She closed her eyes. It was chaos around me. Every emergency service, a sea of blue flashing lights and rain. Heavy rain. I was in the car with Claire. I had climbed in through the boot, clambered to the back seats and then through the front of the car. Claire was trapped in the mangled wreckage of her car. There was no quick exit, the oak tree was where the drivers seat should be. Claire was where the gear stick should be, I was in the gap that was left. I followed health and safety procedures in that I had a high-vis jacket on and a helmet. The visor quickly steamed up and due to it's size I couldn't move. The helmet came off. It was just me and Claire in the car. Getting her out wouldn't be down to me, I'd just be the passenger in all this.
9 minutes earlier......
"RTC Car vs Tree, 54 year old female, trapped"
It was about 10pm and the weather was grim. I didn't relish this job at all but off we went. Strangely, we were first on scene. The second we turned the bend I could see the headlights through the mist of the rain pounding on the floor. That one image was all I needed....
"Red base, can we have Fire, Police and HEMS please."
"Roger, on way"
It's not often I request everything without assessing the patient but the car was on a blind bend, the car was quite literally wrapped around the tree and from the damage I could see from 10ft this patient would not have escaped serious injury. Within seconds the police and fire rounded the corner blocking road in both directions and I headed over to the car. The passenger door wouldn't open, nor would the back door but the boot was open so in I went. I got oxygen on her but she panicked with the mask. I tried to fit a collar on her but she panicked. I held her hand and assured her we would help her. She was pale, blood was pouring out of a wound of her head, her arm and leg were clearly broken and she couldn't breathe. I managed to get a cannula in her hand but she ripped it out. Bugger. She squeezed my hand tightly and starred at me. It's a look I will never forget and one that will stay with me for my entire life. That I am sure of.
"Am I going to die?" she said softly.
"Stay calm, we are going to get you out of here and off to hospital."
As we were........
The fire brigade were working tirelessly around the car to get her out. The sawing, the banging, smashing and shouting drowned out my voice.
"Claire, Claire, open your eyes!" I shouted.
Another face appeared in the back of the car. It was my crew mate.
"Claire, open your eyes!"
I felt for a radial pulse. Nothing. I felt for a carotid pulse. Nothing. It was the first time in my career I didn't know what to do. I felt helpless. Do I start CPR? I'm just going to pump the little blood that's left in her body out. I turned to my crew mate, we had a brief discussion of her injuries and decided any resus attempt was pointless. The fire brigade were about 15 minutes away from freeing her, that was too long to make any resus worthwhile. I started CPR though, I felt I had to. My crew mate spoke to our clinical support who agreed that we could stop. Then I stopped. Stopping is strange feeling. In my heart I knew she was gone but it's against our instincts to stop and walk away. I wish i'd known when she closed her eyes, eyes full of fear and pain, that it would be the last time.
I clambered out backwards. Numb about what had happened. Claire. That's all I knew about her and in reality, all I will ever know.
The other cold, harsh reality is that now I had to do paperwork for us and the police. Then, without much further ado and moping around I'd have to press that magic green button and go and do another 5 or 6 jobs before bed time. And that is what we did. It doesn't mean Claire wouldn't enter my thoughts but realistically it wouldn't be until I'm lying in the dark, staring at my ceiling, that I will have a chance to spare her a proper thought.
"22 year old female, headache, nauseous, states has run out of paracetamol"
C'est la vie.
1 week later......
You know when people die at the road side, tributes are left by friends and family to mark the spot where a tragedy occurred? Be it someone run over or victims of a crash there are always tributes left behind. I often see them at places where me or my colleagues have been or what is reported in the paper. It's a constant reminder of what happened, it triggers memories, evokes emotions and shows what someone has left behind.
We were driving along the very road where Claire's time had come to an end. I slowed down as I rounded the corner and the tree came into view. The tree stood proud and tall. If you didn't know any better you wouldn't know that a Ford Focus had been wrapped around it 8 days previous. There was no debris, no fragments of glass, no nothing.
No flowers. No memory.