"Female u/k age, tired, mental health problems"
"What's been going on?"
"About a year or so ago I witnessed something horrible. The death of a young man. I suppose, in the days / weeks that followed I expected to see his face in my thoughts. On the night itself I think the adrenaline kept me going until I got home. I just laid there on my bed and absorbed it all. I'd just watched someone die in the most horrific of circumstances and was helpless to stop it. Could I have done more? It was a helpless feeling that I just couldn't shift. His face. It was there all night. As the days past I thought about him less and less. I don't remember when his blood stained face stopped appearing in my dreams but within a month I'd say he was gone."
"So what's changed?"
"I found out his name. I was shown an online article about his death. I suddenly felt I knew who he was, what he was meant to be, what he had lost. His blood stained face came back. I'm plagued by flashbacks on an almost daily basis. I can't get his face to stop invading my dreams. It's weird though, now I almost take comfort in his presence. I can't imagine a day where he isn't present."
"And have you talked about this to anyone?"
"Sure, I've spoken to the people that were there and others. I feel like I'm the only one bothered by this. It's an overwhelming isolation which is eating away. Maybe it's just sleep I need. I can't remember the last good nights sleep I had. I've always had a problem sleeping but now it seems worse. After hours of trying I eventually get to sleep but once drifted off I'm awake again with an alarmingly predictability and the circle starts again. And again. Sometimes I just wake. Sometimes it's a nightmare. I picture his last moments again and again. Not from where I was though. It is as if I was watching it on TV. And I'm not looking at him really. I'm looking at me. It always ends the same though. His bloodied face, distorted, mutilated and swollen, lifeless. It's just......there."
I was clear just from looking at her eyes that this was taking it's toll. She looked drained.
"I have seen things that should upset me since but they don't. Maybe I'm hardened to it. I just feel numb. I try and keep busy to take my mind off it. The more tired I am the more I try and avoid thinking about how tired I am. I know if I think about sleep I'll think about him."
"What about your friends and family? Do they know?"
They do and they don't. They say they do yet I feel vilified for being irritable. Despite how I'm feeling they always have something trivial which is much much worse. Either that or I'm given happy clappy cliche advise about 'staying strong' etc. My mood swings back and forth and I try to only interact with them when I in a good place. It's just easier that way. I'll be fine, I'll get over it, I'm just tired."
"There is help available."
A smile appeared on her face. Clearly I wasn't in on the joke.
"Yes I know, therapy, drugs, a sick note etc. No thanks. Can't be dealing with a disciplinary and P45 too! Work is a good distraction but they don't take kindly to mental frailties! Honestly, I'll be fine! Just venting!"
* * * * *
The 'patient' was me. The 'guy' was patient from '3am' (read). Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is very very real. It's often associated with the military due to the sights they see and the environment they are in. However, it is becoming more and more common, or more and more freely admitted in the Police and the Ambulance services. I have it, or had it, I'm not really sure. I'm also not really sure if it is ever something that goes. Maybe it is and it just hasn't gone yet. Maybe it is gone and what is left will stay. I don't really know. I wrote this post because of one I read on the One Police UK Facebook Page. It really hits hope what PTSD is all about.
Despite what the PR department will say, there really is no provision within the emergency services for dealing with it. I tried accessing the 'free counselling' service that is offered and if anything just trying to make an appointment made me worse. Actually saying 'I have PTSD' was of huge importance, as cliche as it is. Not in the sense of standing in a circle and saying 'My name is....... and I have.....' but to admit that your mental health is affected is quite a big thing. Especially when until that point, you only ever had to deal with other people's mental health. In the ambulance service, the closest you come to your employers knowing something is wrong is going off sick with stress. And lets be honest, that only stands to give you a reputation for 'someone who goes off sick with stress'. i.e. chancer, faker, pulling a fast one, playing the game, abusing the system. It's true. That is how you will viewed by management.
Admitting weaknesses isn't something that is done much in an environment full of black humour and bravado. Mess room banter probably wouldn't cope with someone saying 'actually no, I see his face in my sleep every night'. You just play the game. Put on the brave face and only confide in the ones you think won't judge your weakness. Let's be honest, it doesn't give much confidence in a new crew mate when a simple head injury causes you a panic attack. There a triggers everywhere, it's about learning to spot them and avoid them. Sadly, this job doesn't let you avoid seeing words like 'fall from height'. These are the invisible wounds that PTSD leaves behind.
The problem we and police have is it doesn't stop. There is always a new memory around the corner. '3am' has effected me. It was the last job of the shift, the last shift in a run and I had seven days off to dwell on it. Maybe PTSD in the emergency services is more about timing rather that the event. I have seen things that a more tragic and more disturbing since but they don't effect me. Part of me wishes that they did.
Another traumatic death or a dead child. Maybe the one memory that stays is protecting us. If every traumatic sight we saw effected us in the same way we simply wouldn't function. There is very little time to process information. Very often I have written about seeing something which most people would see as probably the most traumatic event in their lifetime, only to go to another call five minutes later. Maybe this is why
PTSD isn't going away, it is a fact of life and although some efforts are being made to treat it and make it more accepted, until it is fully embraced and tolerated by employers little will change. Let's be honest though, the reason why it isn't widely tolerated as a genuine reason for sickness is money. We can't have our police officers and ambulance staff on long term sick can we! There are targets to be met.....
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